NONVERSATIONS

Me in Maine. Bobby in New York. On the phone. Earlier I left him a voicemail saying I was in Maine for the weekend.

ME: Hey, Dad?
BOBBY: Right!
ME: So you got my message?
BOBBY: Right! So where are you?
ME: It's a friend's house
BOBBY: Right! What's the name of the town?
ME: There is no town. We're on a lake in the middle of nowhere.
BOBBY: There's got to be a town.
ME: No town!
BOBBY: Well, what's the nearest town?
Me: It's not too far from the capital...
BOBBY: Uh-huh...
ME: ...Augusta.
BOBBY: Wait a minute...
ME: ...
BOBBY: You can't just make it up.
ME: Excuse me?
BOBBY: Where are you near?
ME: Augusta, the state capital.
BOBBY: Augusta is not the capital of Maine.
ME: Well, I'm up here Dad and it is.
BOBBY: I've been alive a lot longer than you have and I think I know the capital of Maine.
ME: I was surprised too but...
BOBBY: Portland?!?
ME: Most populated, but not the capital. I thought it was Bangor but...
BOBBY: It's Portland.
ME: Go check, I'll wait!
BOBBY: It's not important.

a long silent pause.

BOBBY: Hold on.

a longer silenter pause

BOBBY: Learn something new everyday!
ME: That's what makes life beautiful!

A major trans-state nonversation is narrowly averted...

So I had dinner at Bobby's house last night with a few of his friends and a friend of a friend. I entered the room mid conversation but pre-nonversation...

PATTY: She's an actor (talking about Jill)
BOBBY: She is?
JILL: I studied acting...
PATTY: She's an actor...
BOBBY: Wait a minute... there's a different between studying acting and being an actor. You can't just make it up!
JILL: I have actually acted.
BOBBY: Are you taking acting classes?
JILL: I've always taken acting classes.
BOBBY: You're taking acting courses now?
JILL: Bob, I've been taking acting classes for years.
BOBBY: She's not answering my question! I'm not asking if you took acting classes twenty years ago! It's a simple question: Are you taking acting classes?
PATTY: She is not taking acting classes at this moment.
BOBBY: You added that little caveat. Why did you say that, 'at this moment'? Either she's taking them or she's not.
PATTY: At the moment, she is not.
BOBBY: What other moment would I be talking about? I'm not asking what she's planning to do in the future. 'Are you ice skating?' 'Well, I'm not ice skating right now, but I ice-skated once twelve years ago!
PATTY: She may take a class...
BOBBY: 'Are you having a drink?' 'Well, I'm not having a drink at the moment but I might have one next Tuesday... give me a break. (to me) Right?
ME: I'm staying out of this.
BOBBY: Why? It's a point about communication... People have to be able to communicate effectively, don't you agree.
ME: I'm staying out of this.
BOBBY: Either you're doing something or you're not... (to me) Where was the frog when it jumped in the pond?
ME: What!?!
BOBBY: Where was the frog when it jumped in the pond? It wasn't on the log, it was on the log before it jumped in the pond. So when the frog jumped in the pond it was somewhere between the log and the pond.
ME:: No, that’s not right. The frog was on the log when it committed the act of jumping. So when it jumps, jump here is a verb, it was on the log. It was between the log and the pond while it was in the process of jumping, but after it had committed the action of jumping.
BOBBY: So this is the difference between a verb and an adjective?
ME: It's the difference between the active and the passive. While on the log the frog is committing the active verb to jump. While in between the log and the pond the frog is in the passive state of jumping. What I guess is the process of being propelled upward and then falling downward.... so.... yes.... I guess....

At this point everyone in the room is looking at us exhausted.

BOBBY: I'm a stickler for words!

He is... Diana, do you have anything to add here?

People are often uncertain as to exactly what a nonversation is and how you are to know when you are in one.

The first important question is: Are you talking to Bobby Knight? If not then you are not in a nonversation. At best you're in a pointless conversation, but a nonversation is more than just pointless. Nonversations long to be pointless. If you are talking to Bobby Knight then continue on.

Did this discussion start over a minor and seemingly innocuous comment by yourself, which Bobby Knight contradicted for seemingly no reason? Excellent, you're on the right path.

Are you not sure what you're talking about or why?

Are you arguing a point you don't even believe in because you're sure that to not argue this position would concede to Bobby Knight?

Must a dictionary be employed to end the conversation?

Do you leave frustrated and annoyed regardless of the outcome?

Well, buddy, you've just had a nonversation.

A nonversation starts like a white squall. You say something completely innocent like: "Nice weather today." Bobby Knight will then contradict this point. "What are you talking about, it’s about to rain." You're only option at this point is to nod and walk off. If you say anything in return, anything at all, you will cross from pointless exchange of non-ideas to nonversation.

Within as few as four exchanges you can be knee deep in nonversation. In the heart of the nonversation is simply the batting back and forth of totally unverifiable, completely unrelated statements. A conversation about weather moves quickly to the inaccuracies of barometers, then straight to the religious practices of the Plain Indians and then to Maritime law. At each stage the nonversationalists contradicting each other for little or no reason using information that only appear to be facts. A no point does a 'fact' enter into the nonversation.

Since the nonversation is about nothing there is no way to win a nonversation. They can only end. Typically a nonversation will end with the presentation of the verifiable fact. Sooner or later, most often later, someone will say something that is verifiable. Since no single person or group of people are acceptable in verifying such facts the dictionary is often employed in ending the nonversation.

Let me restate this piece of madness. A team of astrophysicist are totally unreliable and unacceptable experts for determining the circumference of the Earth, only a thirty-five year old dictionary has that distinction. Other infallible nonversation enders include The New York Times Science section, a collection of cinema encyclopedias that my dad owns, and Thesaurus.com. The point isn’t that these are particularly accurate sources, only that they are agreed by all parties to be the impartial arbiters of all these nonversational.

Hope you enjoy these, we found him infuriating.

This nonversation took place at the Landmark Sunshine movie theatre on East Houston Street. On our way into the theatre Bobby and I stopped just near the consession stand. He stopped to look at the menu. Behind the counter was a middle age man, waiting patiently for Bobby's order.

Vendor: Can I help you?
Bobby: With what?
Vendor: (a bit confused) I don't know.
Bobby: Well, this was your idea. You must have some idea what you wanted to help me with.

A brief pause.

Bobby: Maybe I'll have a hot dog, (he looks around) Where are they? Do you have hot dogs?
Vendor: Yes.
Bobby: Well I can't see them.
Vendor: Well, they're not invisible hot dogs.
Bobby: I know that genius, but where are they? Are they out back or in your pocket?
Vendor: They're in the freezer.
Bobby: (walking away) No, I don't want a frozen hot dog.

We walk away from the consession stand.

Bobby: I'm not paying four dollars for a frozen hot dog.
Me: It['s all a bit much (I wasn't talking about the hot dogs).

Obilgatory Background: This nonversation occured while I was away at college; proof that distance is no obstacle to the nonversation. I received this cell phone call from a "restricted" number sometime in the winter of 2001.

Me: Hello?
**after a degree of silence**
Unknown Caller: Hello?
**more silence**
Me: Who is this, really?
Unknown Caller: Chris, it's your father
Me: Oh, hey dad. How's it going?
Bob Knight: You tell me.
**this comment was ignored**
Bob Knight: This cell phone thing is not really working out is it?
Me: What does that mean?
Bob Knight: It means... genius, that what's the point of having a cell phone if we can't get in touch with you?
Me: I'm confused. I thought I was talking to you right now
Bob Knight: I called you. That means I'm the one talking to you. You're listening.
Me: You must be joking
Bob Knight: Then why can't I get a hold of you?
Me: My phone is so that I can call other people, not the other way around.
Bob Knight: That doesn't make any sense
Me: sure it does
Bob Knight: technology goes both ways, if your not using it for both then you're wasting everyone's time
Me: What are you talking about?
Bob Knight: That's the definition of technology. Imput and Output - they go hand in hand.
Me: This isn't a video camera.
Bob Knight: I teach college. You go to college.
Me: Alright this is stupid. I'm looking up technology on dictionary.com.
Bob Knight: I'm waiting
**a brief pause as I fire up my web browser**
Me: "Technology: 1)The application of science, especially to industrial or commercial objectives. 2)The scientific method and material used to achieve a commercial or industrial objective."
Bob Knight: Exactly and in the case of a cell phone that objective is not only making calls but receiving them as well.
Me: I am flabbergasted

I cut this particular nonversation short, though it could have gone on indefinetly. And while this short little guy is neither the most interesting nor the most tedious I have had, it does illuminate one of the prime features of the nonversation - the circular logic used by participants. A nonversationalist feels his arguments are air tight and without error but realizes they are so dense and difficult to grasp that they need to be repeated over and over ad naseum. As a result the nonversationalist becomes so attached to his avenues of attack that he is completely unwilling to abandoned any faulty logic. This has caused me personally to have spent countless hours defending facts and assertions that I very well knew were completely ridiculous in the name of winning a nonversation. My next example will bring this disturbing trend even further to life.

Inspired by countless hours of tediosity spent in the presence of Bobby Knight, these discussions, arguments, heated debates - whatever you want to call them - can in no way be classified as real conversations. Hence, the name. A nonversation has no direction; it is pointless exercise, a complete waste of everyone's time, and yet so infuriatingly addictive that it can continue until you are a frustrated, exhausted, and quite possibly, insane shell of your former self. Thankfully, nonversations are no normal occurrence. This is what is so peculiar about the nonversation - it seems to be entirely a product of spending too much time with a single man. This man, Bobby Knight, is the unknowing inventor of one of the most bizarre phenomenon of the 21st century. Living with this man you will not only hear and see but actually engage in nonversations on a regular basis. We have the next best thing. We are going to expose the nonversation to the world. Is the world ready? There is only one way to find out. Without further ado, I present you with a series of nonversations.