NONVERSATIONS

So I had dinner at Bobby's house last night with a few of his friends and a friend of a friend. I entered the room mid conversation but pre-nonversation...

PATTY: She's an actor (talking about Jill)
BOBBY: She is?
JILL: I studied acting...
PATTY: She's an actor...
BOBBY: Wait a minute... there's a different between studying acting and being an actor. You can't just make it up!
JILL: I have actually acted.
BOBBY: Are you taking acting classes?
JILL: I've always taken acting classes.
BOBBY: You're taking acting courses now?
JILL: Bob, I've been taking acting classes for years.
BOBBY: She's not answering my question! I'm not asking if you took acting classes twenty years ago! It's a simple question: Are you taking acting classes?
PATTY: She is not taking acting classes at this moment.
BOBBY: You added that little caveat. Why did you say that, 'at this moment'? Either she's taking them or she's not.
PATTY: At the moment, she is not.
BOBBY: What other moment would I be talking about? I'm not asking what she's planning to do in the future. 'Are you ice skating?' 'Well, I'm not ice skating right now, but I ice-skated once twelve years ago!
PATTY: She may take a class...
BOBBY: 'Are you having a drink?' 'Well, I'm not having a drink at the moment but I might have one next Tuesday... give me a break. (to me) Right?
ME: I'm staying out of this.
BOBBY: Why? It's a point about communication... People have to be able to communicate effectively, don't you agree.
ME: I'm staying out of this.
BOBBY: Either you're doing something or you're not... (to me) Where was the frog when it jumped in the pond?
ME: What!?!
BOBBY: Where was the frog when it jumped in the pond? It wasn't on the log, it was on the log before it jumped in the pond. So when the frog jumped in the pond it was somewhere between the log and the pond.
ME:: No, that’s not right. The frog was on the log when it committed the act of jumping. So when it jumps, jump here is a verb, it was on the log. It was between the log and the pond while it was in the process of jumping, but after it had committed the action of jumping.
BOBBY: So this is the difference between a verb and an adjective?
ME: It's the difference between the active and the passive. While on the log the frog is committing the active verb to jump. While in between the log and the pond the frog is in the passive state of jumping. What I guess is the process of being propelled upward and then falling downward.... so.... yes.... I guess....

At this point everyone in the room is looking at us exhausted.

BOBBY: I'm a stickler for words!

He is... Diana, do you have anything to add here?

People are often uncertain as to exactly what a nonversation is and how you are to know when you are in one.

The first important question is: Are you talking to Bobby Knight? If not then you are not in a nonversation. At best you're in a pointless conversation, but a nonversation is more than just pointless. Nonversations long to be pointless. If you are talking to Bobby Knight then continue on.

Did this discussion start over a minor and seemingly innocuous comment by yourself, which Bobby Knight contradicted for seemingly no reason? Excellent, you're on the right path.

Are you not sure what you're talking about or why?

Are you arguing a point you don't even believe in because you're sure that to not argue this position would concede to Bobby Knight?

Must a dictionary be employed to end the conversation?

Do you leave frustrated and annoyed regardless of the outcome?

Well, buddy, you've just had a nonversation.

A nonversation starts like a white squall. You say something completely innocent like: "Nice weather today." Bobby Knight will then contradict this point. "What are you talking about, it’s about to rain." You're only option at this point is to nod and walk off. If you say anything in return, anything at all, you will cross from pointless exchange of non-ideas to nonversation.

Within as few as four exchanges you can be knee deep in nonversation. In the heart of the nonversation is simply the batting back and forth of totally unverifiable, completely unrelated statements. A conversation about weather moves quickly to the inaccuracies of barometers, then straight to the religious practices of the Plain Indians and then to Maritime law. At each stage the nonversationalists contradicting each other for little or no reason using information that only appear to be facts. A no point does a 'fact' enter into the nonversation.

Since the nonversation is about nothing there is no way to win a nonversation. They can only end. Typically a nonversation will end with the presentation of the verifiable fact. Sooner or later, most often later, someone will say something that is verifiable. Since no single person or group of people are acceptable in verifying such facts the dictionary is often employed in ending the nonversation.

Let me restate this piece of madness. A team of astrophysicist are totally unreliable and unacceptable experts for determining the circumference of the Earth, only a thirty-five year old dictionary has that distinction. Other infallible nonversation enders include The New York Times Science section, a collection of cinema encyclopedias that my dad owns, and Thesaurus.com. The point isn’t that these are particularly accurate sources, only that they are agreed by all parties to be the impartial arbiters of all these nonversational.

Hope you enjoy these, we found him infuriating.

This nonversation took place at the Landmark Sunshine movie theatre on East Houston Street. On our way into the theatre Bobby and I stopped just near the consession stand. He stopped to look at the menu. Behind the counter was a middle age man, waiting patiently for Bobby's order.

Vendor: Can I help you?
Bobby: With what?
Vendor: (a bit confused) I don't know.
Bobby: Well, this was your idea. You must have some idea what you wanted to help me with.

A brief pause.

Bobby: Maybe I'll have a hot dog, (he looks around) Where are they? Do you have hot dogs?
Vendor: Yes.
Bobby: Well I can't see them.
Vendor: Well, they're not invisible hot dogs.
Bobby: I know that genius, but where are they? Are they out back or in your pocket?
Vendor: They're in the freezer.
Bobby: (walking away) No, I don't want a frozen hot dog.

We walk away from the consession stand.

Bobby: I'm not paying four dollars for a frozen hot dog.
Me: It['s all a bit much (I wasn't talking about the hot dogs).